By MEREDITH CARROLL
THERE ISN’T A PERSON OUT THERE WHO possibly could have made it to the age of 18 without telling a lie, and learning afterwards how not to tell one.
Who among us, as kids, didn’t at least once stand in front of our parents with a dry toothbrush perched on the bathroom sink and morning breath while claiming to have clean teeth and a minty-fresh mouth? Or swear that soap had been used in the shower even as streaks of dirt decorated our face, arms and legs? Or cross our fingers while fibbing, because then, it doesn’t count?
Normal people cease any sort of habitual fabrication when adulthood begins in earnest. After all, there’s no point in lying about eating Hostess cupcakes instead of a tuna sandwich for lunch or being the one who left the car windows down during a rainstorm when there’s zero risk of being grounded as a result. Besides, what self-respecting adult dares to commit a bald-faced lie when the humiliation of being caught extends beyond parents relaying the story to friends at a dinner party?
Nevertheless, lately, there have seemingly been more “D’oh!” moments involving prominent real-life grown-ups than Homer has in the new “The Simpsons Movie.”
President Vladimir Putin of Russia proudly posed for photographers in Kennebunkport this summer with a striped bass he caught while fishing with the former and current Presidents Bush. While Putin and the pair of Georges said the fish, which had been thrown back into the water after the picture was taken, measured 31 inches, photographic evidence suggests otherwise. Fishing experts who examined the shot put the fish closer to just over 20 inches. And they said that was actually to be considered a very generous measurement.
Of course, fishermen are known to tell occasional tall tales. But even the dimmest anglers know it’s best to overstate the size of a hooked fish when there’s nary a camera in sight. Not when an international press corps is on board documenting every bite on film.
In July, Beijing television reporter Zi Beijia was detained by police after it was revealed that he had faked a hidden camera report about chemical-soaked cardboard being substituted for meat in steamed buns sold by street vendors. Investigators have accused Zi of purchasing the ingredients and then having migrant workers stuff the fluffy buns with pork and cardboard softened with caustic soda while he recorded them in the act.
Apparently, Zi’s downfall came when it was determined that a bun containing just 5 percent cardboard would not pass as anything resembling normal because of its un-chewability and the visual presence of the fiber substance. Something Zi might have figured out had he thought to take a nibble on one of the buns he had manufactured with 60 percent minced cardboard.
And then there’s the top banana at Whole Foods Market, the Tiffany of organic grocers. CEO John Mackey admitted last month that he had, indeed, used the handle “rahodeb” (an anagram of his wife Deborah’s name) for six years to post derogatory comments in a Yahoo! chat room about rival grocer Wild Oats, which Whole Foods is attempting to purchase. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission has launched an investigation into whether Mackey’s online shenanigans were an attempt to manipulate stock prices in order to lower the sale price of its competitor.
Because his actions resembled the modern-day equivalent of a prank call (obviously, forgetting that everyone now has caller ID), Mackey apologized, but also said he “had fun” using a pseudonym. However, since no one expects a phony phone caller to be the leader of the natural foods grocery movement, the Federal Trade Commission has filed a lawsuit to block the pending sale of Wild Oats to Whole Foods.
As it turns out, not every adult learned as kids that when all eyes — and cameras — are on you in real life, no crossies count.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on August 2, 2007. Read the original PDF.