THIS IS FATHER SEASON, IT’S THAT TIME of year when Hallmark, Mervyn’s and Sport Chalet all promote their wares to guilty sons and daughters. It is the season when we try to make up to our fathers for the sins of our teenage years. This is the first column, in a three part series on fathers.
Pop. Dad. Father. Whatever you call him, the man in your life who helped give you life is a frequently misunderstood, underappreciated, overtaxed fellow who is trying his best to be a man in a world that doesn’t provide us gents with an easy to follow road map to fatherhood.
My clients frequently start off interviewing me with this question, “Men always take it in the shorts, in court — don’t they?” This is a very common sentiment among the husbands and fathers who are entering into the arena of battle called Family Court.
It is an extremely unfamiliar playground for most men, because the rules of the game run contrary to what we as young boys are taught.
As a child, a boy is taught to be tough, don’t let your emotions show, and conquer the other side with overwhelming strength. In the adult world of business and careers, those are exactly the skills that one needs to succeed.
As a new husband and father, men are taught to be a good provider, which means to bring home a big paycheck to buy a big home, to pay for daycare and after-school activities like gymnastics, ballet, little league and soccer. This drive for career success provides men with a sense of accomplishment as they become the stereotype of “American dad.”
Then the divorce comes. Custody battles start, and the fight over money to support the child begins.
This is where most men lose the battle before they even go into court. Not because the court is inherently against them, but because they don’t know the rules, and more importantly the goal of the game.
The game has a goal of providing for the “best interests” of the child. What those are, however, is not defined beyond having a stable home, food, clothing and a regular school schedule.
“Best interests” — When the goal of the game is of the child, a court will view a father who is sincerely willing to take a cut in pay, in order to spend more time with his child, favorably. If dad comes into court with a deep desire to parent his kids, then a court will respect that, and is likely to allow more custodial time
In the early years of child development, when it appeared that the kids needed mom more, dad went to work, to make it possible for mom to stay home. His career improved. But now when the kids are older, and dad can do more with them, the divorce happens.
This is where it gets interesting; because dad has painted himself into a corner by working hard in the previous years and being a good provider.
Now, when he wants to have more time with his kids, mom says he’s only doing it so that he doesn’t have to pay as much child support.
Which is where the career trap bites dad. If he doesn’t want to change his career obligations, and keeps working as much as he did previously, the court will not give dad more custody. Because if mom is working a part time job, and is providing day to day parenting to the children, dad is required to pay enough child support to make that happen.
So what’s a dad to do? When the goal of the game is “best interests” of the child, a court will view a father who is sincerely willing to take a cut in pay, in order to spend more time with his child, favorably. If dad comes into court with a deep desire to parent his kids, then a court will respect that, and is likely to allow more custodial time.
Dads can get an even break, once they know the goal, and the rules, of the game. Men are just as capable of being good parents as women, and in many of the cases that I’ve worked, are better. But they have to convey that information to the court in order to win. This is why dads have to learn new rules.
Men who want to parent, have to communicate that to a judge, but for a man who is used to communicating by his professional success, that can be a difficult transition to make.
When a dad starts telling a judge his feelings, and more importantly, backing them up with actions, that’s when he gets to have more of those Hallmark moments. Those moments that make memories for both child and dad.
DAVID PISARRA is a family law attorney focusing on father’s rights and men’s Issues in the Santa Monica firm of Pisarra & Grist. He or (310) 664- 9969.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on June 3, 2008. Read the original PDF.