By Meredith C. Carroll Meredith Pro Tem
AS MY HUSBAND AND I APPROACH our first wedding anniversary, I’ve been wondering whether I’m an adequate wife. Recently, I found a list on the Web, “How to be June Cleaver,” and if its contents are even remotely accurate, I’m afraid my marriage to Rick might be doomed before we’re able to exchange our paper gifts. 1. Put on your prettiest dress every morning.
I own, like, two dresses, one of which is my wedding dress. I suppose if I put it on every morning it would take the sting out of its cost per use. Still, it seems fairly impractical — I just know I’ll stain it with ketchup or (more likely) red wine (which, I suppose wouldn’t really matter since the wedding was 11 months ago. My dad just might have a cow if I render it useless rather than deliver it to a consignment store).
However, since wearing a pretty dress in the morning is out of the question, can I get any points for the mornings I opt not to wear my rattiest T-shirts? Because sometimes I throw on one that has no holes or stains. That’s kind of pretty in its own way, no? 2. Wear your most expensive pearls. I have two pearl necklaces. Both of them are in the safe at my parents’ house in New York (they know better than to release into my custody anything of value). Regardless, neither necklace really matches my array of everyday fleeces or my ratty T-shirts, unless I’m going for some retro-’80s- Madonna-type look. Maybe I’ll pick up a current fashion magazines and see if anything resembling my wardrobe made it to the runway for the fall. 3. Make sure the coffee is ready and hot for your husband.
I don’t do coffee. (While we’re at it, I don’t vacuum or touch the trash, either). And, since I don’t actually drink coffee, I see zero point in learning to make it. I have been known, though, on occasion, to pop into a gas station while Rick’s at the pump to fix him a cup (basic blend or hazelnut, no milk, no sugar). 4. Prepare an elaborate breakfast and call the family down to eat.
Breakfast is easily my least favorite meal of the day. In fact, breakfast trails cocktails, dinner, snack, dessert and lunch on my list of favorite meals. However, I once made Rick scrambled eggs for dinner... served it with hash browns and leftover meatloaf. He loved it. June Cleaver might have been proud, in a horrified sort of way. 5. After breakfast, make sure the kitchen is spotless and glimmering.
Done. I have a compulsion for cleaning the kitchen already. It drives me crazy when anyone else goes in there. Rick means well, but when he volunteers to cook, all I can imagine is the cleaning job in store for me once he’s done cooking and “cleaning.” I’ve known mud pits cleaner than our kitchen after he’s through with the sponge. 6. Vacuum while the family is gone so the house is in ship shape when they get home.
See No. 3. 7. Be at the door to greet the kids when they arrive home from school.
But if I’m there to meet them, who’ll be there to greet, listen to and pamper me when I get home from work? 8. Make sure the kids get their cold milk and fresh cookies.
Oh, please. Chocolate chips are in my blood (and hips, clearly). You’d think Betty Crocker was my aunt, for God’s sake. The only problem is that while our milk is always cold, we need someone to check the expiration date on the cartons. I never notice if milk has turned. I just drink it. Rick, on the other hand, has a thing against consuming sour milk. Picky, picky, picky. 9. After everyone is in bed and while no one is looking, slip into more comfortable clothes.
See No. 1. 10. Take the pearls off. You can be yourself again.
Oops. When was I supposed to stop being myself?
Oh yeah, I’m a great wife.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on August 9, 2007. Read the original PDF.