Leigh the Long Message Leaver is a dear and garrulous friend with a genuine gift for circumlocution. Whenever Leigh’s number pops up on the Imbiber’s missed calls log, I can be certain that no matter how simple a report needs conveying, a dissertation of prodigious proportion awaits. Leigh recently left a message canceling a dinner date: “Hi, it’s Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiii-igggggggggggghhhhhhhhh...” (Her dragged-out dispatches invariably begin with an elongated enunciation of her name.) “I’m just calling about dinner on Thursday. I think we’re supposed to meet for sushi... wait, maybe it’s that Italian place... oh no, that’s right, I’m meeting my friend Lindsay for Italian next week. It’s her birthday. I think she’s turning 30. Or maybe it’s 29... God, I can’t remember... she looks great, though... have you ever met Lindsay? She works over on Third Avenue, which is probably why we always go for pasta. You know, that great Italian place is right there on Third. Otherwise, I wouldn’t eat it... too many carbs, and I like sushi much better...... you’d like Lindsay, she’s really nice. I should set you two up. You’d be perfect for each other.”
And so on. Another staple of the Leigh message is the inevitable mention of a potential love match. Leigh’s convinced I’d be “perfect” with all her single friends because they’re all “nice” and I’m presumably desperate. As you can imagine, catching up with her requires reinforcement — something potent, with a long finish. A Long Island Iced Tea usually does the trick … two if Leigh’s had caffeine, something she suggested at the end of her latest dispatch: “So if we do coffee on Saturday instead, I can bring pictures from Carrie’s wedding...” Carrie is a gal Leigh once set me up with, who was such a “perfect” match, she went ahead and married someone else. “It was such a beautiful wedding,” Leigh continued. “Carrie looked so healthy and radiant, that it’s hard to believe she’s still suffering from an eating disorder. You never should have been honest when she asked you if she looked fat in that red dress of hers... so, um, give me a call when you get this message...”
Does she mean when I get it, or get through it? She needs to be more specific, since we’re likely talking about different decades.
The Leigh-Surely Long Island Iced Tea (from “The American Bar & Cocktail Book”) 1 oz. vodka 1 oz. gin 1 oz. tequila 1 oz. light rum 3 oz. chilled cola 1 oz. lime juice 1 oz. Cointreau 1 tsp. sugar Slice of lemon Fresh mint leaves Pour all ingredients over ice in a highball glass, stir and garnish with mint leaves and lemon. (E-mail comments or suggestions for the Imbiber to)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 2, 2005. Read the original PDF.