NEWLY RENOVATED WESTSIDE DANCE CLUB Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since Bartles & Jaymes Premium Wine Coolers first hit the shelves. Fueled by a popular TV ad campaign featuring two countrified old gents who were mighty dang appreciative of the drinking public’s support, B&J quickly became the world’s No. 1 selling brand. Then, almost as quickly, people stopped buying wine coolers, and Ed (the quiet one) and Frank (the guy who did the thanking) went the way of Lionel Richie chart-toppers, Jordache Jeans and PAC-MAN. Ah, but history tends to repeat itself and according to a recently conducted survey, 1985 has come Back to the Future (the top grossing movie that year, by the way) and is, like, sooooo 2005.
“Bartles & Jaymes commissioned the survey to salute the brands that were loved in the ’80s and are still influencing trends and pop culture today,” said B&J marketing honcho Kirsten Van Sickle, who clearly has a vested interest in saying such things. OK, so the survey’s a bit tainted, but who cares? Without it we wouldn’t know, for instance, that ultra-milf Demi Moore is the people’s choice as the “Celebrity Dream Date of both 1985 and 2005.” Hey people, that sort of totally tubular information is IMPORTANT … particularly for anyone looking to make small talk at cocktail parties or, should the opportunity present itself, pick a fight with Ashton Kutcher. Word to your mother’s uncle!
Can’t fault Bartles & Jaymes for indulging their profit motive, and besides, their coolers are pretty damn tasty and not nearly as emasculating a retro-malt-beverage as, say, Zima. The stuff’s cheap, too ($4 per 4-pack) and comes in 12 cocktail-inspired flavors, including such ’80s staples as the Fuzzy Navel and Pina Colada. What, no Alabama Slammer? So I’m gonna make like a tree and get outta here now — got to go help my girlfriend crimp her hair. Please remember to drink responsibly this holiday weekend, and no matter what Lionel Richie says, don’t be dancing on any ceilings. (E-mail questions, comments or suggestions for the Imbiber to)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on July 1, 2005. Read the original PDF.