BY A FOUR TO THREE MARGIN, THE CITY Council voted to make all Santa Monica beaches “nude beaches”as of July 4, 2008. This was motivated by the powerful anti-smoking lobby in the city. The reasoning was that if people were naked, they wouldn’t be able to sneak packages of cigarettes onto the beaches.
Mayor Herb Cats, one of the dissenters, said that nude beaches would bring “the wrong element” to Santa Monica. Bobby Shiver shouted him down, saying that, in his opinion, “the wrong element” consists of people who smoke.
Pam O’Connor said that people who are desperate to smoke might still sneak cigarettes onto our beaches by hiding them “on or in their bodies in places I don’t even want to think about.” Ken Genser got up and immediately responded tit for tat. He said, “There are no body parts that we should be ashamed of thinking about.”
Still, O’Connor proposed a measure which would make sure that beachgoers were subjected to a “full cavity search” upon arrival at the beach. Needless to say, this measure was seen as a huge invasion of privacy, and was defeated 3 to 2, while Mayor Pro Tem Richard Blume and Devin McKunne were in the hallway, giggling.
This is how the Mandatory Nude Beach Rule will work: 1. Beachgoers must arrive at the beach completely naked. They have the option of undressing in their cars, and leaving their clothes there, driving to the beach naked, or arriving at the beach on foot, unclothed. (Robert Holbrook pointed out that those who drive to the beach and have leather upholstery might think twice about driving there in the nude). 2. Beachgoers may carry wallets and purses, which will be inspected upon arrival. 3. No cameras or cell phones will be allowed. 4. No gawking or staring will be permitted. 5. Beach police, vendors, and other employees will wear their traditional clothes. 6. Sunscreen with an SPF of 30 will be given free of charge to beachgoers upon arrival. A member of the Santa Monica Fire Department will happily give a few dollops of sunscreen to anyone who so desires — protecting against those painful burns.
I know what you’re thinking about this whole thing: You wouldn’t mind seeing some people at the beach naked, but there are others whom you definitely don’t want to see in their birthday suits. You go to the beach to have fun, to relax, not to have, well, unappealing bodies thrust under your nose.
Well, for once, the council is way ahead of you. Santa Monica’s beaches will be divided into two sections: One for attractive people,and one for unattractive folks. Who will decide? There will be a least one male and one female Santa Monica employee at every entrance to the beach. They will decide who goes to which beaches. Their decisions will be final, and are not subject to appeal or plastic surgery.
What happens if a couple arrives at the beach, and one of them is considered “attractive,” and the other is deemed “unattractive?” It may seem cruel and unusual, but they will be sent to separate and appropriate beaches.
I brought this up to Blume saying,“Do you really think it’s right to split up couples at the beach like this?” He lowered his voice and replied,“Let’s be realistic. If there is such a disparity of looks between the two, they’re going to break up pretty soon anyway. This way, the City of Santa Monica is helping them find others in their “attractiveness category.”
I left the council meeting, shaking my head. It seemed like such a radical measure. It was ridiculous. It was outlandish. It was nonsensical. In other words, it was like so many other things in Santa Monica.
When he isn’t busy offering to spread lotion on the backs of attractive women, LYOD GAHVER
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2008. Read the original PDF.