In comparing this manifest attempt to broaden the appeal of beefy action hero Vin Diesel to similar efforts by, oh, let’s say, senescent beefy action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger, “The Pacifier” rates a tad higher than the transcendently sucky “Jingle All Way,” but is far inferior to the Ivan Reitman-directed comedy classic, “Kindergarten Cop.” (Remember, kids, “It’s NOT a too-muhhhhh!”) In short, if Vinny D has designs on someday being elected governor of California, he best begin attaching his bad self to significantly better transitional material. On second thought maybe he’s onto something, because just like a politician, this dud from the Disney factory doesn’t deliver on promise and offers almost nothing beyond the same old, same old. Seeing a bald beefcake like Diesel yukking it might be funny under the right conditions, but here it isn’t. Not at all. To Vin’s credit, even ace jokesters like Will Ferrell and Jim Carrey would be hard-pressed to squeeze a laugh or two out of this lemon. Having the oft-amusing Carol Kane on board can usually provide a middling film a boost, but here it certainly doesn’t. In truth, Kane’s housekeeper is the most annoying character in a film that’s got more than its bearable share of them.
The trailer tells us all we need to know about the plot: Vin is tough-guy Navy SEAL Shane Wolfe, given an improbable assignment protecting five Ritalin-ready brats. They don’t dig his rigid military style; he can’t change a diaper. Of course, they eventually come to understand and even depend on one another, but by the time that happens you’ll have long since stopped caring. (Rated PG for action violence, language and rude humor. Running time: 91 minutes.)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on March 4, 2005. Read the original PDF.