I’m usually not one for making resolutions, but this spring will be an exception. Make no mistake, The FunHog is resolute! It’s not something I intend TO DO, however, rather something I vow NOT TO DO … in short, I’ve sucked my last toe.
I won’t lie to you — up until now, the Toe Suck has been the biggest gun in my foreplay arsenal. Followed closely by a maneuver known as the Ungrateful Henry … but that’s another story altogether. In fact, had loyal reader Typholishion asked me how to score with the ladies LAST YEAR (see “Girls” posting in “Talk to the Funhog” section), I’d have certainly advised him to brush up on his “foot in mouth” skills. But that was then, this is now.
Why the sudden moratorium on toe sucking? Simple — I just found out that women flush toilets with their feet.
That’s right, their feet. Hey, I know what most of you guys out there are thinking: Not my gal, not those feet. It’s hard to swallow, but true. In an informal FunHog survey, eight out of 10 women reported having used their feet instead of their hands to flush waste away in public restrooms.
Like many of my fellow fellas, I was in the dark about this odious practice. Had a female friend of mine not let the foot-flushing secret slip, I’d likely have lived out my days believing men were the only violators of bathroom decorum. Sure, we leave the seat up from time to time, but damnit, we’ve been taking crap for it forever. Had we known the ladies were drop-kicking the head all the while, we’d have surely fired a few shots back.
But we never knew. It’s just another skeleton in the cupboard in what amounts to an Amusement Park Ride-sized Line of deep, dark women’s secrets.
For example, I bet most men don’t know women cup farts with their hands so they can throw them in the direction of the prettiest girl in the room. And the reason they take so damn long to go to the bathroom at nightclubs is they’ve got big couches, huge make-up counters, telephones and computer terminals in there. Ladies rooms are designed for dawdling.
Men don’t know these things because the deepest secret of all is that women NEVER tell men the truth about ANY- THING they do when we’re not around! If they did, they’d lose their membership to the Girls Club.
Frustrated, I called the National Organization for Women (NOW) to take them to task about foot-flushing. “We don’t have an official position on that,” said a NOW spokeswoman, who later ‘fessed up under intense interrogation to being a foot-flusher.
Officials at The League of Women Voters declined to comment, but an office manager named Elaine offered “I’m sure lots of women do it.”
They sure do, and as is often the case with women, there’s no reasonable explanation for their behavior.
“Washing your hands will accomplish the same thing as using your feet to flush the toilet,” said a physician I’ll call Dr. Woman, who specializes in infectious diseases.
Dr. Woman suggested gals who flush with their feet may be squeamish about touching the handle, wary of bathroom germs that can cause Hepatitis A. Such germs are spread the fecal-oral route — once excreted, they get on the hands and eventually make it onto the mouth (I pass this valuable information on with apologies to everyone reading this on their lunch break).
Foot flushing, she believes, is silly and unnecessary. The most effective way to combat germs is to simply use soap and water.
Yet, with women being as predictably unpredictable as they are, you can bet I wasn’t surprised to learn that despite it all, Dr. Woman’s a foot flusher, too. Yep, she admitted it. Claimed it’s a behavioral pattern passed down by generations of women in her family. Caught red-handed … er, footed, she tried to turn the tables.
“There must be things men do in bathrooms that women don’t know about, right?” Dr. Woman asked me, fishing for ammo in the treacherous water-closet war of the sexes.
There might be, doc, but you aren’t going to hear about it from me. As I said before, I’m done putting feet in my mouth... and that includes my own! (Dan Dunn, a Santa Monica resident, writes for Warner Bros. Online. For more FunHog fun, check out www.thefunhog.com)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 8, 2002. Read the original PDF.