By Special to the Daily Press
Hey dudes and dolls, Vic Platinum here, coming at you from an airport bar at LAX where I’m waiting out a rather lengthy flight delay with my old friend Chardonnay. Apparently, planes don’t like going out in this oppressive heat either. Seriously, could it be any hotter up in here? As if! I haven’t felt this steamed since my cable carrier dropped the Oxygen Network to make room for PAX, a channel run by a pack of crazed Bible-waving prudes with no sense of style. But don’t get me started on that, because there are itchier topics that need scratching today.
For instance, who is JD Power, and are his associates jealous because he gets top billing? And where did Jack Bauer, that yummy secret agent from “24,” get his cell phone battery? That thing lasted an entire season on a single charge, whereas the rest of us must contend with cel-lies that have the staying power of horny teenaged boys.
And isn’t it time someone come up with a good name for that overpowering impulse people have to use their cell phones whenever they’re alone in a public place? All I’ve got so far is “Look, everyone, I’m in demand-itis” and “Serenity-a-phobia.” (That reminds me, I need to call the Hiltons’ publicist to see what’s up with Paris — after seeing those photos of her in this week’s People, I’ve got two words for the twiglike heiress: Carbohydrates. Now!) Did you know that “I am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language? That’s right, it is. And it’s also the furthest into a conversation washed-up model “Surreal Life” star Janice Dickinson’s gotten without peeing-off one her D-list housemates. That witch is absolutely wicked!
Speaking of which … er, witch … caught a performance of the Broadway sensation “Wicked” recently in Hollywood, and I just don’t get what all the hype’s about. Then again, I stopped caring about Oz after Rick Fox left the show!
Is it me, or does anyone else think Karl Rove looks like the sort of character you might see hanging around outside an elementary school with a bag of candy. And this guy’s running the country, right?
Final thought: As a rule, people should not be driving any vehicle that costs $100 to fuel up and then runs out of gas quicker than an episode of “Saturday Night Live.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on August 5, 2005. Read the original PDF.