I also see Asians, and Hispanics. Every day when I walk my dog, I run across a United Nations of people in my neighborhood. I have friends from all walks of life in my world.
As a white, male, lawyer in this city, I should never feel out of place. At least that’s the party line, the perception of what it means to be me. But the reality is, as a gay man, I can hide. People don’t see me and think “he’s so gay.” I don’t project my difference unless I want to.
Frequently I will hide. I found myself in a roomful of men in just the last 48 hours, most of whom were straight and the banter was of the usual locker room variety. Lots of bragging about their sexual prowess, and posturing about being manly men. There was the customary name calling so common among teenage boys, that is so hard for some grown men to grow out of. One young man was bragging how his girlfriend left her “rich little faggot boyfriend” for him.
I immediately shut down. One word, and I was affected like a punch to the gut. I felt like the smallest guy in the room, and the game of “smear the queer” was floating just below the surface, and I didn’t want to do anything to make it come to the surface. I sat in that room and was scared.
Not for my physical safety, but for my emotional stability. I didn’t want to be picked on, I didn’t want to be the “faggot” again. I just wanted to fade into the background. And that is precisely what I did.
I know where my fears come from. It’s years of hearing jokes like, “What does GAY stand for? Got Aids Yet?” And childhood games like “smear the queer.” They’re just words, but somewhere along the road to adulthood, they became part of me. They made me homophobic. Which is not a good thing for a gay man.
The fact is that I haven’t actually been discriminated against for being gay. I haven’t lost friends, clients, housing, a job, or been treated poorly by anyone for over two decades. Well, except for myself, I’ve been pretty mean to myself. Every time I hide, it eats at my self esteem.
February was Black History month. A month dedicated to showcasing the accomplishments of African Americans in our society. I didn’t get why it was necessary. I never really understood the need for a month to honor those of African American heritage. I didn’t see open racism in our society like in the south. I couldn’t see how historical discrimination could affect people today.
Today I get it. This weekend I made the connection between years of self hatred, and self-esteem; I see now how much words and jokes have hurt me, so I can only guess at what years of actual discrimination and hatred can do to a person’s self-esteem.
My brother used to tell me that we cannot understand something until we can “internalize an externality,” and for years I didn’t understand that. The easiest way to convey the meaning is to say that we wont know what someone else’s reality is like, until we can connect it to our own life and experiences.
As soon as you do that, however, the focus becomes so clear. It’s like something clicks into place and you can suddenly see what you’ve never seen before, even though it’s been there all along.
I don’t know what the next phase of this evolution of my awareness will bring. I hope it will bring me greater empathy and understanding. I’ve been told that we all want the same thing, connection with each other. Yet I also see how much my fears are mirrored in others.
That young man who is so full of brag-gadocio, is also very scared. He’s scared, just the same as I was, of being the queer that gets smeared. He wants to fit in, the same way I do. The same way we all do.
I’ve known for years that the person who is yelling in an argument is the one who is wrong. Today I know that the one who is proclaiming his superiority, is really the insecure one. Today I see what the point of Black History month is, in a way that I never could before.
DAVID PISARRA is a Family Law Attorney in the Santa Monica firm of Pisarra & Grist. He welcomes your questions and comments. He or 310/664-9969.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 26, 2008. Read the original PDF.